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Painted Brain | I Have Gotten Better In So Many Ways
We're bridging communities and changing the conversation about mental illness using arts and media.
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  • admin
  • November 1, 2016

I have gotten better in so many ways

In the past two months, I have been able to use the money my uncle has given me in terms of having enough food in the last two-to-three days of the week but I felt really bad about how I spend $200 on the first two days and leave myself with $150 only for the remaining five-to-six days which is really difficult. He gives me money every week and wants me to have $50 left over and unfortunately I haven’t done that.
I have gotten better in so many ways. I used to shout at people uncontrollably. I don’t feel comfortable about the way I spend money on food but I used to really lavishly spend money at my favorite restaurants and I would take cabs to Saks and Neimans to get clothing and makeup and I paid a lot of money on the cab ride and the prices of the items were roughly the same as if I bought them directly from a website like Macys, Bloomingdales, or Nordstrom. but they didn’t usually have the promotional deals. It’s true that in terms of grocery shopping, I was at that time, able to buy what I would eat at home and I didn’t throw out my food and didn’t have major eating disorder issues. My grandma didn’t want sweets in her house because I had pre-diabetes and I hated her controlling attitude and I would eat Ferrero Rocher, chips, and soda in front of her and I felt she can’t control me and what I do and trying to control my intake of candy, chips and soda was not appropriate. Her son passed away from lung cancer but she has known that I have smoked since I was fourteen. Now I am a half-pack a day smoker and I feel better.
In terms of moving forward of course, I want to spend money in a way that is well thought-out and methodical. I spend a lot more time at home and I don’t take cabs out to my favorite restaurants very regularly. I know some people say it helps with depression. I spent this week walking to local restaurants and the closest restaurants in my area are quite expensive and that definitely depleted the money my uncle gave me. It’s true that if I don’t withdraw much cash except $10 for laundry as well as some to have on me and some to pay the cab drivers and to buy about three packs of cigarettes a week, I would be better off. I just need to balance the food thing because it’s very hard for me.
I definitely think it’s important to be with myself and not get disappointed or angry at myself. Everytime I do that, I don’t seem to make much progress in terms of spending money. I do have a money spending problem with bipolar disorder. I have a very hard time with my family when they try to control me in terms of my eating. I told them I have to make my own decisions. Grandma said she didn’t want to stop me but she didn’t want me to get sick. I have Metformin for the diabetes. I smoke because it regulates my breathing especially when I hyperventilate because honestly I don’t know what to do when I have a panic attack besides smoke a cigarette.
Ciao!
Dawn writes about symptom management for Painted Brain News 

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