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Today I’m thinking about being alienated from everyone. Dealing with feelings of dissociation and alienation when I’m out and about can be tough. Sometimes I feel so condensed I notice the blood running through my veins. There’s not much I can do when feelings of alienation engulf me. I can ride the wave and use the grounding therapy techniques I have taught myself, but, the feelings still persist. It’s like my whole body and mind, my entire being, gets absorbed into an inexplainable world and all motion becomes motionless, time standing still, different and strange. I find myself looking onto the world instead of actively participating in it. My life in those moments becomes balanced on a tiny island that I can only just fit my own two feet upon, no room for anything or anybody else, reality squeezed into a small pocket of dense emotion. If I’m in a crowd when it happens then faces become blurred and faceless, like eggs, just shapes that I don’t want to look at, all walking and looking towards me as my alienation grows. As I move out of the feeling of alienation it’s as if a sadness and grief is loaded so hard that it develops and evolves into nothingness. The feelings that follow are locked and empty, a hollow vessel, that nothing feeling, emotional stasis, neither one way nor the other, just numb to the world. These feelings are often felt by people living with Borderline Personality Disorder, and, it’s hard to explain them to other, more normally functioning humans, when, sometimes, you just don’t feel human at all. Or, is it that we feel so human our basic instincts become so intense we can’t handle our human selves?
We recycle ourselves, dispose of our emotions on a daily basis, metamorphose into different patterns of thought and feeling, like a kaleidoscope our patterns emerge and change quickly. Our personality disorders can melt and mold us differently each day, changing us, reborn in a constant cycle of change. Sometimes it takes a total meltdown just to begin to change an emotion from one state to another, to be able to observe it and not just to feel it is a gift we should all cherish. Presently as I write this journal entry I feel heavy and like a hermit, locked away from the world not wanting to be part of it today. I know my feelings will change eventually, and I await for the vibrant fun Lulu to return. Until then, journaling helps.